Joshua was born still on October 19, 1995 at 35 weeks at that time we didn't know why.
We were told his heart had just stopped beating. I had been hospitalized for 6 weeks due to premature labour and low
amniotic fluid. The nurses would come in and check Joshua's heart rate 5 to 6 times a day. The morning of October
18 they checked his heart rate and all was fine. The nurses came after lunch and couldn't pick up anything but my heart
beating. They sent me down to labour and delivery to be hooked up to a bigger machine. The nurse was trying all
different spots but couldn't pick up his beating heart. I knew then that my baby was gone. I was sent for a real time
scan and that was when the doctor said that my baby had died and I would have to be induced and give birth. I was terrified.
They started the induction around 4pm on the 18th by giving me a drug called pitocin. Slowly I started
feeling contractions and to get them going more I would walk the hospital hallways. I can remember walking with my mom
and friend trying to decide on a name for my baby. A baby that I would never take home with me.
I was finally given something to help me sleep and I slept through most of the labour. I woke up shortly
before it was time to push. By this time it was 9:30am on the 19th of October. In a matter of minutes my
beautiful little boy was born. He had his umbilical cord wrapped all around him. The nurse cleaned him up and
I was able to dress him in the sleeper he was supposed to come home in. We wrapped him up in his blanket and I spent
the next 4 hours trying to memorize every feature on his face. I didn't want to forget what he looked like, I knew I
would never see him again. My parents and grandparents were there with me and each held on to Joshua. The nurse
took him away so that they could take a picture of him and I got ready to go home. I had the option to go back to the
floor I was on but I knew it would be too painful.
Eight years later we found out that I had a condition called Obstetrical Cholestasis. Basically it causes
the mothers liver not to function properly and there is a risk of premature labour and stillbirths especially after
36 weeks. Had this condition been known then, Joshua may have lived. But we will never know.
All I know is that I am a mommy to a beautiful angel and that my 2 dear sons on earth have a guardian looking
over them.
